It’s Still July 31

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I haven’t gone to bed yet
So I didn’t miss July
It’s not Friday until I sleep
At least one post per month
I think I keep
Here is the start of sunrise
It acts as my sunset
Body finally says sleep
And so I try
But I fail once more
I will not lie
There’s a rush of adrenaline
As I start to freak
I blew off routines I created
So that I might be aided
In getting something complete
I had nowhere to go today
This happens every time
I get home exhausted
Know I need a rest
My world forever changed
I lay down, hoping for the best
I’ll have energy later I say
Then I thought I’d do it today
I did a couple things
But nothing I had planned
Concussion sapped the energy
That those things demand
I forgot about all I haven’t done
To get out the door on-time
My memory has been damned
I’m in the kitchen again, confused
Can’t remember what I needed
Until I reach the bedroom and need it
And I know I set something down
Can’t go to bed until it’s found
Don’t like the weather already
Too humid to breathe outside
I’ll probably miss my train
Looks like my neighbor’s awake
Maybe I should ask for a ride now
Instead of begging later
The weather sucks already
I hope it doesn’t rain
I’m getting some help
In dealing with this change
But getting that help is hard on me
As he can clearly see
I’m used to plans disrupted
And insurance bureaucracy
But not the kind of idiocy
That’s keeping me from getting
A really simple thing
Short term survival strategy
The help I need
To get the help I have
Already set up for me
More help is offered
And the stress piles on
I’m willing to do the work
To learn how to exist
But I’m overwhelmed
Unable to comprehend
Why something so small
So quick
So needed
Has been deleted
Things will never be the same
To think so would be insane
I had a word in mind
To rhyme with awake
But it’s still gone for fuck’s sake
This will stay unfinished
I can finally fall asleep
I know things will improve
The short term I will sacrifice
For the work I need to do
But the best future for me
I will not concede

Man this sucks
I’m posting anyway
I have been writing a little. It’s just not done yet. It’s good enough to finish for real but it’s going to take a while. Damien will be back, but first I need to get me back, even if “me” isn’t quite the same. It’s still me no matter what. I’ve had just a taste of what can be and it’s made me hungry. I WILL be back. Someday. Until then you’ll just have to trust me. I’m not doing the things I love because I’m working hard so I don’t have to work so hard so I have time to do the things I really want to do.

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