August Disgust

At least one post per month
A promise to you
A promise to me
A promise that will likely be
Broken
Broken like me
No working memory

 

Typing with eyes closed
I can’t even see
Right
There is something left
Not who I was before
But I’m still who I am
Now
Nothing less nothing more
Maybe I can’t write stories
Yet

 

I want to give up
To give in
To let it win
Just throw in
The towel
I am tired as fuck
Wanna stop this fight
But I can’t

 

Yeah I said fuck
I rhymed fuck with up
That’s good enough
I just put fuck
Right next to up
I guess it’s a sign
That
I am
Fucked up

 

But at least
I am

 

Despite feeling hopeless
I am
Hoping against hope for hope
To come back to me
I look back and I can see
What life did out of spite
With so much clarity
Now
With new knowledge
That I acknowledge
To be true
Life knocked me down
I mean that literally
Then smacked me around
And in my gut I knew
That which would be found
Eventually

 

Today I cried
And yes this is a cry
That I can’t disguise
It is a plea
To anyone out there
Please help me
When I cried
Those tears they purged
A little poison
From deep inside of me

 

Those same tears urged
With great urgency
To make the choice
To be
Broken
To choose
To be

 

Someone teach me
How to
Deal with this
I must Remind
Myself
Keep it in mind
My core, my being
Is Constant
Even if it shows
Differently
I’m a fighter
I’m a helper
I guess I’m a writer
Now
Why can’t people just let me be
Broken
For now

I am broken

 

But at least

I am

 

 

One door closes
And on my way out
It hits me in the ass
As the door slams shut
I stumble
I fall
Down
This wasn’t my choice
I was thrown out
And it cost me so much
I crumble
I’m crushed
Where is that door
That’s supposed to open now
I reach but I can’t touch
I don’t know how
I look up
But I stay down
I am
Lost

 

But at least
I am

 

They all called me lazy
They couldn’t see
I tried so hard
Did too much
But my own vision is hazy
I didn’t get far
I’m crawling in my skin
On my hands and knees
As the world sprints past
And leaves me on the ground
I feel a kick inside of me
My greatest enemy
It lives within

 

So focused am I
At keeping the evil at bay
I can’t remember the people
Who asked if I’m okay
So many stepped on me
With tunnel vision I did not see
The ones who cared enough
To stop along the way
And steer me to some solid ground
They propped me up
Helped me with my fear
They may look distant now
But still remain around
While objects in my rearview mirror
Look closer than they are
If I shift my gaze and look
Forward
Sometimes I can see
The help I need marching toward
The group still watching over me

 

I may be on the ground
Getting stepped on, spit on
And just plain old held down
The best I can do right now is kneel
But I’ll be back up on my board
Eventually
The haze will leave my vision
I’ll open up my eyes and see
That I am really S.T.O.K.E.D.
About my new reality
But for now I must rest and heal
And if you’re passing by
I will accept your help
If you care to try
I will get past this moment
I know I cannot die
i will live to see
The help I need arrive
I have a force inside me
It forces me to stand and fight
Or at least it makes me try
It won’t let me die
I cannot do it on my own
But I know

I will survive

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2 responses to “August Disgust

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